All day yesterday (the 12th) I kept thinking about how a month ago my Dad was alive and I was uneasy about taking him to the emergency room. I would note the time and think "we were doing this at this time last month" or "I guess this was happening right about then."
I keep wishing I could go back and do that day differently. Did an 8 hour wait in the emergency room stress my Dad into the point of having a heart attack? Was he having symptoms that day that I overlooked or he didn't tell me about? Should I have done something different and what would it have been?
Regardless of the answers to these questions - all I know is that around 11 p.m. I hugged my Dad goodnight and told him I would talk to him the next day. Somewhere in between then and when my mother found him the next morning - Dad passed and my life will never be the same again.
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
...And So the Weeks Go On
It's hard to believe Dad passed away a month ago this Friday.
The week it happened, time stood still. The days slowed and each one was more painful than the next. There were plans to be made, people to be notified, and relatives flying in. Strangely, each day seemed to have more hours in it than just the normal 24. The nights were rough and extra long with little or no sleep.
The days since have moved quickly. I was surprised to realize we were already approaching that one month anniversary. How is that even possible?
I don't think things will ever be "normal" again, but life is going on and we are moving in a forward direction. However, there is a part of me that keeps wishing for a way to time travel. I yearn for a way to return to a day when my life was happy and things seemed more carefree.
Meanwhile, my mother is settling down some. I'm not sure how long this will last. She remains confused about some things and her words to me have damaged our relationship, but she needs me and I suppose deep down I accept that I probably need her too.
Where we are going from here --- I have no clue. There is still a lot of stuff to be done and as Easter came and went, I realized that there will be a first "Father's Day Without Dad," a first "4th of July Without Dad," and so on....
For now....it's just one day at a time and muddling through each one as it comes.
The week it happened, time stood still. The days slowed and each one was more painful than the next. There were plans to be made, people to be notified, and relatives flying in. Strangely, each day seemed to have more hours in it than just the normal 24. The nights were rough and extra long with little or no sleep.
The days since have moved quickly. I was surprised to realize we were already approaching that one month anniversary. How is that even possible?
I don't think things will ever be "normal" again, but life is going on and we are moving in a forward direction. However, there is a part of me that keeps wishing for a way to time travel. I yearn for a way to return to a day when my life was happy and things seemed more carefree.
Meanwhile, my mother is settling down some. I'm not sure how long this will last. She remains confused about some things and her words to me have damaged our relationship, but she needs me and I suppose deep down I accept that I probably need her too.
Where we are going from here --- I have no clue. There is still a lot of stuff to be done and as Easter came and went, I realized that there will be a first "Father's Day Without Dad," a first "4th of July Without Dad," and so on....
For now....it's just one day at a time and muddling through each one as it comes.
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