There's a need for this

Since my mother and I aren't speaking right now --- I was thinking of putting this blog on  hiatus. I may still take a short break from it while I regroup, but I have decided I am not going to shut it down.

A friend of mine lost her father yesterday. It appears to have been a suicide. It was very unexpected and she is devastated and has no clue what all to do. While my Dad had things fairly organized in terms of making a Will, and life insurance --- her father has left behind a world of chaos. They never discussed anything, she doesn't know if there is life insurance or even a Will.

So, what do you do when a tragedy strikes and no one has discussed anything? I know some of what you should do, but not all of it. I am, however, about to watch someone else go through it.

I may not be able to tell you how to parent an aging parent since I have failed miserably, but I can give some advice on what not to do and more importantnly perhaps point you in the right direction when something does happen or go wrong.

Anyway, I'm going to rethink this a bit and go from there. If you have stumbled onto this looking for advice --- the main thing I can tell you right now is it doesn't always get better, but in time the way you handle it can get easier. Hopefully, soon I will be able to help you do that.

The Defiant One

If it wasn't so painful it would almost be amusing.

I have found that whenever my mother has relatives staying with her, she becomes defiant (or perhaps cocky is the better word). She will call and make demands. She will ignore my comments or make smart comments when I say something or give advice. As an example, I mentioned she should be careful that it was too hot for her (and her brother) to be outside. Her response, "We're adults and we can do what we want."

My mother doesn't typically make these remarks when it is just me and her, but bring a few relatives or a friend into town and it's like a whole different personality erupts. A mean one and not one that I generally want to be around.

Anyway, yesterday she called and wanted to know when I was cutting the grass at her house. I told her that it would be Friday. Normally, this would be okay --- but since the brother is there, this was not okay and I got a "well, you better do it or we are going to do it ourselves..."

Since I would actually be getting OUT of the job --- this sounds like a good thing, but it would involve my uncle riding my Dad's lawn mower and I know in my heart my Dad would not like this. Last year, he hated the fact that he could no longer get outside and mow the grass himself. He didn't really want me riding around on his (almost new) John Deere lawnmower, but he let me. I just don't feel that he would appreciate my uncle doing it. And so...I guess I'm making more work for myself, but I know Dad would be nodding his approval.

Trying to Find Some Balance

So....I am sitting here this morning wondering how other people balance everything in their lives.

I was already drowning in a sea of disorganization and chaos before my Dad passed. Now, I not only have the job of looking after my mother, but am trying to stay on top of all the paperwork as well.

I have neat (at the moment anyway) little piles of paperwork stacked on the kitchen table and buffet that are things I either am following up on, or need to follow up on. I have a tote box that is filled with paperwork to be sorted and a notebook of stuff that needs to be put on the computer.

Meanwhile, I am trying to restart my eBay business and I am still trying to fit some writing jobs into the mix. It's still chaos, I'm still disorganized and --- at the moment --- I'm way overwhelmed.

Anyway, if you are going through the same thing, I am told that it is normal. If you asked me how to handle all of it, however, at this point in time I would have to tell you that I simply don't know. All I know is that not only do you get to deal with the grieving process of losing a loved one, but life keeps going on and somehow you have to take ahold of something and just try to keep going right along with it.

Before and After - A Month Ago Today

All day yesterday (the 12th) I kept thinking about how a month ago my Dad was alive and I was uneasy about taking him to the emergency room. I would note the time and think "we were doing this at this time last month" or "I guess this was happening right about then."

I keep wishing I could go back and do that day differently. Did an 8 hour wait in the emergency room stress my Dad into the point of having a heart attack? Was he having symptoms that day that I overlooked or he didn't tell me about? Should I have done something different and what would it have been?

Regardless of the answers to these questions - all I know is that around 11 p.m. I hugged my Dad goodnight and told him I would talk to him the next day. Somewhere in between then and when my mother found him the next morning - Dad passed and my life will never be the same again.

Dealing with Burnout

A couple of weeks before my Dad passed I realized I was suffering from burnout. Just as a mother becomes stressed out with her children, I was burning out from taking care of my parents.

At the time, it was mostly (and continues to be) my mother that was driving me crazy. Mom would call on a daily basis wanting me to pick up this, or bring her that. She had endless lists of things that she needed for me to get her (right now!) so she could take care of my Dad.

Then there were the weekly doctor appointments and the juggling of schedules so my husband could help me get my Dad down the stairs and into the car. At times I felt like I could probably have handled the situation alone, but if the hubby didn't come - then my mother did. Her nervous and anxious rambling on the long trips to the doctors office made me feel like I was closing in on a psychotic break.

I missed the quieter times of taking my Dad to the doctor by myself. It was only then that we could talk. Really talk. He would tell me things about jobs he had taken while in high school (before the military), places he had lived, and at times (if I was lucky) a little bit about his military experience.

Once he was in and out of the hospital, however, all that changed. It virtually took a "village" to keep things running smoothly. He had Home Care workers on a daily basis (except for weekends). There were calls to doctors and coordinating with builders for a wheelchair ramp to be built.

It all bucked along somewhat chaotically, but a couple of weeks before his death - I was really feeling like my life was going out of control. Dad was frustrated that he wasn't making more progress (the swelling in his legs prevented him from walking without assistance), mother was overly tired and becoming more confused and my aunt (who had promised to come if she was needed) had basically retracted on her promise and wouldn't be coming (and didn't) unless there was an actual emergency.

Where I am going with all of this - is that - I realized late last night that the burnout is back. I spent an almost sleepless night going over a long, daunting "to-do" list that has no end in sight. I realize this is normal. I just don't know what to do about it. My "plan" last time had been to take advantage of a week where Dad had no doctor visits scheduled and take some "down-time." Ironically, the Universe had other plans because that was the week that he died.

Anyway, where I'm going with this is that I think the first step in dealing with burnout is realizing it is there. The tension in the neck and upper back, lack of sleep, irritability....it's not just a "bad day" if the bad days keep happening.

I confess that I don't have an answer as to what to do, other than take it a day at a time and try to be kind to yourself. Realize that if you don't take care of yourself - you can't take care of anyone else. Now....if I can just remember this.....

Welcome to My Blog and Why I Created It

My Dad's funeral was a week ago today. It still seems surreal. I keep thinking that I should be able to pick up the phone and call him. We talked at least once a day and some days more than that.

I go through periods of crying, second guessing the events of his last day, and wondering what to do next.

I finally decided I would create a blog to not only help me work through the grief, but also to share my story going forward as I am now the sole caregiver for my mother. An interesting position to be in, as our relationship has been tepid at best and just two days ago she was accusing me of trying to steal from her (more on that story another time).

Anyway, as I head onward into the great unknown of my future - I thought it might be helpful for me to share the experience not only as an outlet for my grief, but also as a way to help others navigate the same trail of Survivor Benefits, Home Care workers and other day-to-day matters concerning the care of an aging parent.

So...if you're paddling the same waters and you've arrived here. Welcome to my blog!