Time Out

I've done a lot of thinking since my conversation with my mother this past Friday. Actually, I've done more than that. There's bee a lot of crying, a lot of venting and a lot of talking.

I finally came to the conclusion that I am going to have to "Let Go and Let God." In other words, I have to walk away from this situation and give both me and my mother some space. I think she hasn't taken me seriously because I've told her several times that if she continued on the path she was on --- I would be out of her life. Instead, I hung on hoping that an irrational person would suddenly become rational.

Last night, I told a friend of mine that it kind of reminded me of some of the relationships I had in high school. You know....you fall madly in love with a guy after he takes you out a couple of times. When he decides you're not the right one, however, he starts treating you bad because he knows he can. And....you take it. You take it, because you initially believe that if you do the right thing, say the right thing, act the right way --- the guy will see what a wonderful person you are.

Unfortunately, this never works and eventually you discover that he is dating the girl that has the locker right next to you (yep, that actually happened). So...you go off to lick your wounds and it hurts for a while and then one day you're suddenly okay.

Although the situation is completely different in most aspects, the staying around when someone is treating you bad is the same. I do realize she doesn't know what she is doing. BUT....continuing to let her treat me the way she has (dementia or not) allows her to keep doing it. And....I'm not strong enough to not be hurt by everything she has said and continues to say.

As someone pointed out to me last night --- her needs are being met. She is still able to feed herself, dress herself, take her medicine and even still drives. Her bills are now being paid by the paralegal. A guy comes around and does her yard work.

Her family has pushed and shoved me as far out of her life as they can, but my husband suspects that they think that I will still be there to get her to doctors appointments and do the odd things that she comes up with.

Alas, I can't do it. It hurts too much and I know I've said it before but I have resolved myself to the fact that for now --- I have to walk away.

Will this help anything in our relationship? I don't know. I do know that just as the child who is told they will be grounded and then is allowed to go to a friend's house --- she won't learn (if she can learn) as long as I continue to allow the behavior.

So --- here's where I am at. I don't plan to take her calls or call her back unless there is a true emergency. I am not sure if I will take any of her relatives call --- which will most likely start happening once they realize I meant what I said.

I will probably take some time off from this blog and then start posting about what I have learned about dementia and Alzheimer's. I will tell you about things I learned after my Dad went in and came out of the hospital and at times I will probably talk to you about my Dad.

Where this will all ultimately end remains to be seen. The hurt child in me wants my mother and her family to see the error of their ways. The adult in me realizes this is probably not going to happen. In the end, however, I do know I tried. I guess for now that will have to enough.

Say what?

My mother has bills piling up.

I normally help her pay them and then when my uncle was in town he was helping her. He left a week ago, however, and I didn't find this out until Tuesday. That night she told me that she had mail coming in that I needed to look at. She also told me that she lost her checkbook.

I replied that I would come over on Wednesday (yesterday) and help look for the checkbook and also help her catch the bills up. She was happy with that and was suppose to call me when she got back from the doctor on Wednesday afternoon.

Yesterday, however, she did call me to tell me she was back. She also told me that her credit card got declined when she tried to get gas. I asked her if she knew whether the bill was paid or not. She didn't. She said she had a whole pile of bills sitting on the floor....but....

She didn't want me to help her.....because....she doesn't trust me because....I KEEP TELLING HER THAT I AM TRYING TO HELP HER.

Huh? Say what?

Just Don't Know What to Say

It has been a topsy-turvy week with a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs.

My mother's relatives basically were planning on having my mother sue me so she could be reinstated as the Executor of my Dad's will.

Back on May 9th, I attempted to help my mother by suggesting that she let me Execute Dad's will since there is no earthly way she can do it. She agreed, but later that night got into her mind that I was trying to take her money away from her.

It's a very long story, but the short version is that she called my uncle, who called another uncle, who called an aunt who called her son....who....is an attorney and he suggested that they get my mother a lawyer because they thought that I was trying to do something to her (as in steal her money).

So - they got a true scum-bag of an attorney for her and the next thing I know - they had convinced my mother to sue me. I will go more into the details of this another time - it is too painful to do it now.

In the end, I resigned and now my relatives have pretty much cut me off from being able to have a relationship with her. The kicker is, the uncle that is taking over mother's finances is a Priest. Instead of talking to me or asking me why I did what I did --- this person lied to me on three different occasions and had my mother's attorney draw up a lawsuit that not only asked for me to be removed as Executor, but also accused me of stealing and credit card fraud.

The uncle staying with my mother eventually realized that I had NOT stolen anything (my mother had simply forgotten that we placed some checks in my Dad's desk and that she did indeed know about the charges on the credit card and had actually made some of them herself), BUT he also never apologized and no one else has either.

I realize my mother has something wrong with her, such as Dementia or Alzheimer's, but I don't understand why someone didn't call me and ask me what was going on. I don't understand why they have taken over her finances and continue to act like I have done something when all I ever tried to do was help my mother.

I'm not sure where the relationship with my mother is going right now. If I can get a true diagnosis that there is something wrong, I might try to hang in there and help her. On the other hand, she has said and done things that I can't overlook. She obviously doesn't like me as a person and apparently holds things against me that I did in Junior High.

I'm heartbroken. Not only that my mother has said all these things, but also that people I knew and loved would do this to me.

Since this has happened, I'm not sure if this blog will continue or not. I still have a lot of useful information to pass on to you and I feel fairly certain that this story is not over, but there is a lot of pain here that I must deal with and I don't know how much of it I want to make "public" right now.

I know this situation is common. I know it happens everyday. When people you once looked up to do this to you, however, it's just not something that you're easily going to get over. So for now --- we will just have to wait and see.

An Update as to Where We Are So Far

I've been stalling on updating this blog.

I go back and forth between wanting to document every painful detail that is happening and wanting to keep things private. My Dad was a very private person and I guess I've inherited that from him. Yet, meanwhile I want to get my story out there --- both as a way to help others who might go through the same thing and also because I know it is therapuetic to 'talk' about it. I do have a personal journal, but I can't seem to make myself take a pen (or pencil) in hand and write this stuff down. Somehow it come out better when my fingers are tapping on a keyboard, over putting ink on paper.

I need to go into more details and perhaps at some point I will, but for now --- I will just let you know that my mother and I butted heads over my attempts at helping her with the finances and then she got a lawyer...and then I got a lawyer...and....well, we are sort of at a truce for the moment, but I have a lot of thinking to do.

Do I continue to help a person that trusts me so little that she hired a lawyer to check up on me?
Do I put my feelings aside and help her just because she's my mother?

I'm just not sure.

Anyway, I'm sure this sounds cryptic and I guess in a way it is, but for now, this is the best I can do.