Hanging in There

I suspect my mother will be sworn in as Executor for my Dad's will today. It sounded like the attorney was going to make sure she got to the courthouse. I'm guessing he will be the one helping her (as he sucks even more money out of her bank account) since there is no way she can do everything by herself.

I'm trying to accept that the things my mother has done and said are not really "her," but I still wonder where the line is that voices her true feelings over the feelings about me that she has conjured up in her mind. I told my husband over the weekend that on some level she must have hated or disliked me for years. I can't see that much venom coming completely out of nowhere even if dementia is involved.

Anyway, I'm a little melancholy today and kind of missing her even though I know that walking away from her is for the best. I don't have the money to fight my relatives and the constant drain of energy from fighting with her all the time wasn't doing anything, but stress me out.

So....I'm hanging in there and taking one day at a time. I do plan to call her on Wednesday and see about getting some of my stuff out of her basement. I believe the relatives will move her by the end of the year and I don't want to be rushed to remove all of the stuff I accumulated from childhood. (It made the move with them to their new house, since I had nowhere here to store it)

Fortunately, the most sentimental things I have from my Dad are already here, but I have plenty of stuff in her basement that I need to sell on eBay. I feel compelled to purge myself of my past and look forward to my future. I would like to think that she will still be in it at some point, but with the events of last week....I am sort of having my doubts.

 

An Update as to Where We Are So Far

I've been stalling on updating this blog.

I go back and forth between wanting to document every painful detail that is happening and wanting to keep things private. My Dad was a very private person and I guess I've inherited that from him. Yet, meanwhile I want to get my story out there --- both as a way to help others who might go through the same thing and also because I know it is therapuetic to 'talk' about it. I do have a personal journal, but I can't seem to make myself take a pen (or pencil) in hand and write this stuff down. Somehow it come out better when my fingers are tapping on a keyboard, over putting ink on paper.

I need to go into more details and perhaps at some point I will, but for now --- I will just let you know that my mother and I butted heads over my attempts at helping her with the finances and then she got a lawyer...and then I got a lawyer...and....well, we are sort of at a truce for the moment, but I have a lot of thinking to do.

Do I continue to help a person that trusts me so little that she hired a lawyer to check up on me?
Do I put my feelings aside and help her just because she's my mother?

I'm just not sure.

Anyway, I'm sure this sounds cryptic and I guess in a way it is, but for now, this is the best I can do.