There's a need for this

Since my mother and I aren't speaking right now --- I was thinking of putting this blog on  hiatus. I may still take a short break from it while I regroup, but I have decided I am not going to shut it down.

A friend of mine lost her father yesterday. It appears to have been a suicide. It was very unexpected and she is devastated and has no clue what all to do. While my Dad had things fairly organized in terms of making a Will, and life insurance --- her father has left behind a world of chaos. They never discussed anything, she doesn't know if there is life insurance or even a Will.

So, what do you do when a tragedy strikes and no one has discussed anything? I know some of what you should do, but not all of it. I am, however, about to watch someone else go through it.

I may not be able to tell you how to parent an aging parent since I have failed miserably, but I can give some advice on what not to do and more importantnly perhaps point you in the right direction when something does happen or go wrong.

Anyway, I'm going to rethink this a bit and go from there. If you have stumbled onto this looking for advice --- the main thing I can tell you right now is it doesn't always get better, but in time the way you handle it can get easier. Hopefully, soon I will be able to help you do that.

Time Out

I've done a lot of thinking since my conversation with my mother this past Friday. Actually, I've done more than that. There's bee a lot of crying, a lot of venting and a lot of talking.

I finally came to the conclusion that I am going to have to "Let Go and Let God." In other words, I have to walk away from this situation and give both me and my mother some space. I think she hasn't taken me seriously because I've told her several times that if she continued on the path she was on --- I would be out of her life. Instead, I hung on hoping that an irrational person would suddenly become rational.

Last night, I told a friend of mine that it kind of reminded me of some of the relationships I had in high school. You know....you fall madly in love with a guy after he takes you out a couple of times. When he decides you're not the right one, however, he starts treating you bad because he knows he can. And....you take it. You take it, because you initially believe that if you do the right thing, say the right thing, act the right way --- the guy will see what a wonderful person you are.

Unfortunately, this never works and eventually you discover that he is dating the girl that has the locker right next to you (yep, that actually happened). So...you go off to lick your wounds and it hurts for a while and then one day you're suddenly okay.

Although the situation is completely different in most aspects, the staying around when someone is treating you bad is the same. I do realize she doesn't know what she is doing. BUT....continuing to let her treat me the way she has (dementia or not) allows her to keep doing it. And....I'm not strong enough to not be hurt by everything she has said and continues to say.

As someone pointed out to me last night --- her needs are being met. She is still able to feed herself, dress herself, take her medicine and even still drives. Her bills are now being paid by the paralegal. A guy comes around and does her yard work.

Her family has pushed and shoved me as far out of her life as they can, but my husband suspects that they think that I will still be there to get her to doctors appointments and do the odd things that she comes up with.

Alas, I can't do it. It hurts too much and I know I've said it before but I have resolved myself to the fact that for now --- I have to walk away.

Will this help anything in our relationship? I don't know. I do know that just as the child who is told they will be grounded and then is allowed to go to a friend's house --- she won't learn (if she can learn) as long as I continue to allow the behavior.

So --- here's where I am at. I don't plan to take her calls or call her back unless there is a true emergency. I am not sure if I will take any of her relatives call --- which will most likely start happening once they realize I meant what I said.

I will probably take some time off from this blog and then start posting about what I have learned about dementia and Alzheimer's. I will tell you about things I learned after my Dad went in and came out of the hospital and at times I will probably talk to you about my Dad.

Where this will all ultimately end remains to be seen. The hurt child in me wants my mother and her family to see the error of their ways. The adult in me realizes this is probably not going to happen. In the end, however, I do know I tried. I guess for now that will have to enough.

Just Pushed To the Side Like Old Garbage

My mother is enamored by her new paralegal.

Apparently, she is everything her daughter is not. I tried very hard not to argue with my mother today, but when she started listing the credentials of this woman --- I told her that I basically had the same training. My mother then accused me of making it up. She doesn't remember that I went to technical school when I got out of high school.

I also have over 15 years of bookkeeping running small businesses. Surely, this should make me qualified enough to run the financial affairs of my mother...

But....I guess not.

Each time I talk to her, my heart breaks just a little more. I try to remind myself that she has dementia, but it doesn't help the little girl inside who misses her Dad and desperately needs her mother.

I called and left a message for an attorney today to discuss Guardianship. I haven't heard back from him. Maybe this is a good thing. Today, I'm not so sure I want to be responsible for this woman who seems to hate me so much and accuses me of so many things.

She is mad at me for not helping her more when I was in junior high and high school. She accuses me of stealing from her and wanting money from her. How sad it is that she cannot just realize how much pain I am in right now. All she thinks of it how everything affects her.

On good days, I know something is mentally off, but today is not a good day and the tears are flowing as I write this. I wish my Dad was here to tell me "chin up" and that it will all be okay. But he's not and all I have left is an angry woman who is mad at her daughter. Yes, today is not a good day.

Say what?

My mother has bills piling up.

I normally help her pay them and then when my uncle was in town he was helping her. He left a week ago, however, and I didn't find this out until Tuesday. That night she told me that she had mail coming in that I needed to look at. She also told me that she lost her checkbook.

I replied that I would come over on Wednesday (yesterday) and help look for the checkbook and also help her catch the bills up. She was happy with that and was suppose to call me when she got back from the doctor on Wednesday afternoon.

Yesterday, however, she did call me to tell me she was back. She also told me that her credit card got declined when she tried to get gas. I asked her if she knew whether the bill was paid or not. She didn't. She said she had a whole pile of bills sitting on the floor....but....

She didn't want me to help her.....because....she doesn't trust me because....I KEEP TELLING HER THAT I AM TRYING TO HELP HER.

Huh? Say what?

First of Everything

Well, I survived the first Father's Day without my Dad.

As one friend of mine posted on Facebook after I mentioned this on my Wall --- this will be the year for "Firsts." The first Father's Day without him, the first 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas. All without my Dad.

Yes, I know he is still here watching over me. I wish I could say I have actually felt his presence, but I think I am too emotionally blocked for that right now. I do suspect, however, that in two separate occasions he has helped me out when I needed it. Things lined up just a little too perfect for the events to have happened on their own.

So...yesterday, I went to the cemetery yesterday to put flowers on his grave. They were blue and pretty --- I'm not sure what they were, but I suspect a kind of mum or from that flower family. I think he would have liked them, blue was his favorite color.

I was surprised at home many people were at the cemetery when we got there. It hadn't occurred to me that there would be tons of people coming out to see loved ones. I should have --- as The Hubby pointed out, there are mostly men buried at the National Cemetery. Among them (as one could imagine), there would be a bunch of fathers, grandfathers and even great grandfathers.

We arrived and cars were parked everywhere. There was kind of an amusing situation where people were hunting down the vases (provided by the Cemetery) to put the flowers in. The one closest to where my Dad is --- was empty, so we had to circle the cemetery stopping at all these canisters to see if we could locate one that still had the vases in it. I'm sure my Dad would have kind of got a kick out of this. It is just the kind of thing he knows happens to me. I just have that kind of life.

Anyway, I cried a bunch of tears yesterday. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad, but I am. I miss him terribly.

Fortunately, I have photos of other Father's days. Happier times where we were together and had no idea of what was to come or when it would happen. He was always optimistic about the future. Whenever I was down he would always say "Chin Up" to which I would reply "Okay, Pollyanna" (a reference to a movie in which a little girl was always upbeat despite her circumstances). I confess I didn't inherit his "look ahead to better times" philosophy, but I'm trying...

Hanging in There

I suspect my mother will be sworn in as Executor for my Dad's will today. It sounded like the attorney was going to make sure she got to the courthouse. I'm guessing he will be the one helping her (as he sucks even more money out of her bank account) since there is no way she can do everything by herself.

I'm trying to accept that the things my mother has done and said are not really "her," but I still wonder where the line is that voices her true feelings over the feelings about me that she has conjured up in her mind. I told my husband over the weekend that on some level she must have hated or disliked me for years. I can't see that much venom coming completely out of nowhere even if dementia is involved.

Anyway, I'm a little melancholy today and kind of missing her even though I know that walking away from her is for the best. I don't have the money to fight my relatives and the constant drain of energy from fighting with her all the time wasn't doing anything, but stress me out.

So....I'm hanging in there and taking one day at a time. I do plan to call her on Wednesday and see about getting some of my stuff out of her basement. I believe the relatives will move her by the end of the year and I don't want to be rushed to remove all of the stuff I accumulated from childhood. (It made the move with them to their new house, since I had nowhere here to store it)

Fortunately, the most sentimental things I have from my Dad are already here, but I have plenty of stuff in her basement that I need to sell on eBay. I feel compelled to purge myself of my past and look forward to my future. I would like to think that she will still be in it at some point, but with the events of last week....I am sort of having my doubts.

 

Just Don't Know What to Say

It has been a topsy-turvy week with a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs.

My mother's relatives basically were planning on having my mother sue me so she could be reinstated as the Executor of my Dad's will.

Back on May 9th, I attempted to help my mother by suggesting that she let me Execute Dad's will since there is no earthly way she can do it. She agreed, but later that night got into her mind that I was trying to take her money away from her.

It's a very long story, but the short version is that she called my uncle, who called another uncle, who called an aunt who called her son....who....is an attorney and he suggested that they get my mother a lawyer because they thought that I was trying to do something to her (as in steal her money).

So - they got a true scum-bag of an attorney for her and the next thing I know - they had convinced my mother to sue me. I will go more into the details of this another time - it is too painful to do it now.

In the end, I resigned and now my relatives have pretty much cut me off from being able to have a relationship with her. The kicker is, the uncle that is taking over mother's finances is a Priest. Instead of talking to me or asking me why I did what I did --- this person lied to me on three different occasions and had my mother's attorney draw up a lawsuit that not only asked for me to be removed as Executor, but also accused me of stealing and credit card fraud.

The uncle staying with my mother eventually realized that I had NOT stolen anything (my mother had simply forgotten that we placed some checks in my Dad's desk and that she did indeed know about the charges on the credit card and had actually made some of them herself), BUT he also never apologized and no one else has either.

I realize my mother has something wrong with her, such as Dementia or Alzheimer's, but I don't understand why someone didn't call me and ask me what was going on. I don't understand why they have taken over her finances and continue to act like I have done something when all I ever tried to do was help my mother.

I'm not sure where the relationship with my mother is going right now. If I can get a true diagnosis that there is something wrong, I might try to hang in there and help her. On the other hand, she has said and done things that I can't overlook. She obviously doesn't like me as a person and apparently holds things against me that I did in Junior High.

I'm heartbroken. Not only that my mother has said all these things, but also that people I knew and loved would do this to me.

Since this has happened, I'm not sure if this blog will continue or not. I still have a lot of useful information to pass on to you and I feel fairly certain that this story is not over, but there is a lot of pain here that I must deal with and I don't know how much of it I want to make "public" right now.

I know this situation is common. I know it happens everyday. When people you once looked up to do this to you, however, it's just not something that you're easily going to get over. So for now --- we will just have to wait and see.