Dealing with Burnout

A couple of weeks before my Dad passed I realized I was suffering from burnout. Just as a mother becomes stressed out with her children, I was burning out from taking care of my parents.

At the time, it was mostly (and continues to be) my mother that was driving me crazy. Mom would call on a daily basis wanting me to pick up this, or bring her that. She had endless lists of things that she needed for me to get her (right now!) so she could take care of my Dad.

Then there were the weekly doctor appointments and the juggling of schedules so my husband could help me get my Dad down the stairs and into the car. At times I felt like I could probably have handled the situation alone, but if the hubby didn't come - then my mother did. Her nervous and anxious rambling on the long trips to the doctors office made me feel like I was closing in on a psychotic break.

I missed the quieter times of taking my Dad to the doctor by myself. It was only then that we could talk. Really talk. He would tell me things about jobs he had taken while in high school (before the military), places he had lived, and at times (if I was lucky) a little bit about his military experience.

Once he was in and out of the hospital, however, all that changed. It virtually took a "village" to keep things running smoothly. He had Home Care workers on a daily basis (except for weekends). There were calls to doctors and coordinating with builders for a wheelchair ramp to be built.

It all bucked along somewhat chaotically, but a couple of weeks before his death - I was really feeling like my life was going out of control. Dad was frustrated that he wasn't making more progress (the swelling in his legs prevented him from walking without assistance), mother was overly tired and becoming more confused and my aunt (who had promised to come if she was needed) had basically retracted on her promise and wouldn't be coming (and didn't) unless there was an actual emergency.

Where I am going with all of this - is that - I realized late last night that the burnout is back. I spent an almost sleepless night going over a long, daunting "to-do" list that has no end in sight. I realize this is normal. I just don't know what to do about it. My "plan" last time had been to take advantage of a week where Dad had no doctor visits scheduled and take some "down-time." Ironically, the Universe had other plans because that was the week that he died.

Anyway, where I'm going with this is that I think the first step in dealing with burnout is realizing it is there. The tension in the neck and upper back, lack of sleep, irritability....it's not just a "bad day" if the bad days keep happening.

I confess that I don't have an answer as to what to do, other than take it a day at a time and try to be kind to yourself. Realize that if you don't take care of yourself - you can't take care of anyone else. Now....if I can just remember this.....

Alert the media - my mother is on the road!

For the past couple of weeks my mother and I have been going
round and round about her driving. Or rather....her ability to drive or if she needs to be driving.

In truth, she hasn't driven by herself more than about three or four times in five years and probably hasn't driven more than 10 times total in the past three years.

My Dad kind of put a halt to her driving after she had two incidents in about two weeks. The first time, she put the car into drive instead of reverse and went over one of those cement things that keep drivers from hitting buildings (luckily, she didn't hit the building).

The second time, she got too close to a railroad crossing and the wooden arm came down right on top of the hood.

Dad didn't let her drive very much after that and NEVER by herself.

A few days after he died, however, she asked for the car keys (I had his set) and said that she wanted them. A discussion ensued and she very defiantly told me that she would be driving and no one was going to stop her.

My aunt is staying with her at the moment. I was able to end this discussion by convincing my mother to let my aunt drive instead. So, my aunt has been driving and my mother has been giving her direction. The plan being....that we could see how much my mother remembered about where everything once. So far...they have only gotten lost once...but...it was on the way to church...which is a place she claims that she knows the way to by heart.

Anyway, yesterday, at the VA service center, the man that was helping us asked my mother if she drove. My mother, never one to make a story short, then went into this long explanation that she COULD drive and she was GOING to drive, but hadn't been because her husband wouldn't let her.

The poor man, of course, was just asking this question because as a widow of a veteran, she can get a free drivers license the next time she needs to renew it.

This led to another discussion (once outside and out of earshot) about her driving. I finally told her that we would ask her doctor about her driving at the her next appointment.

This gives me....about two more weeks.... :-O

Navigating the Paper Trail

The first thing you discover when someone has passed away...is that there is a lot of paperwork.

Although it is possible that the remaining spouse may be able to wade through it without any help, in other cases (as I am finding out) you may find that you have to navigate the trail with them, or even do it for them.

On Tuesday of last week, my mother was in the phase of wanting to do it all herself. I was "rushing things" and doing things in a way she didn't understand. Since I KNEW she wasn't going to be able to handle everything, I was actually merely moving things along for her, since I had some vague idea of what the steps should be. Finally, I realized that she wanted to be a part of the process even though it was apparent that she had no clue what the process involved or what steps it would take.

So....the advice for today is....slow down. Give the person you are trying to help time to read over all those brochures, forms, and paperwork that may be arriving in the mail (or given to your family by the helpful people at the funeral home or courthouse). Even if your parent doesn't understand it, they still need to feel like they have some control over what is happening and are part of the process.

I'm a "take charge" and "get it done" person, so this has been hard for me to do, but it appears to be necessary.

For instance...I decided to postpone going through all my Dad's paperwork and just deal with the things that have to be done now or rather...sooner than later.

This includes:

• Probate the will



• Fill out the paperwork for Social Security



• Help mother apply for VA benefits



• Help mother change over Retirement to Spousal Benefits

There is so much more to do, of course, but for now I'm simply putting on my hiking gear and using this as our starting point. If all goes well on this journey....I'll report in with our progress as we hit these paper trailheads throughout the week!

Welcome to My Blog and Why I Created It

My Dad's funeral was a week ago today. It still seems surreal. I keep thinking that I should be able to pick up the phone and call him. We talked at least once a day and some days more than that.

I go through periods of crying, second guessing the events of his last day, and wondering what to do next.

I finally decided I would create a blog to not only help me work through the grief, but also to share my story going forward as I am now the sole caregiver for my mother. An interesting position to be in, as our relationship has been tepid at best and just two days ago she was accusing me of trying to steal from her (more on that story another time).

Anyway, as I head onward into the great unknown of my future - I thought it might be helpful for me to share the experience not only as an outlet for my grief, but also as a way to help others navigate the same trail of Survivor Benefits, Home Care workers and other day-to-day matters concerning the care of an aging parent.

So...if you're paddling the same waters and you've arrived here. Welcome to my blog!