There's a need for this

Since my mother and I aren't speaking right now --- I was thinking of putting this blog on  hiatus. I may still take a short break from it while I regroup, but I have decided I am not going to shut it down.

A friend of mine lost her father yesterday. It appears to have been a suicide. It was very unexpected and she is devastated and has no clue what all to do. While my Dad had things fairly organized in terms of making a Will, and life insurance --- her father has left behind a world of chaos. They never discussed anything, she doesn't know if there is life insurance or even a Will.

So, what do you do when a tragedy strikes and no one has discussed anything? I know some of what you should do, but not all of it. I am, however, about to watch someone else go through it.

I may not be able to tell you how to parent an aging parent since I have failed miserably, but I can give some advice on what not to do and more importantnly perhaps point you in the right direction when something does happen or go wrong.

Anyway, I'm going to rethink this a bit and go from there. If you have stumbled onto this looking for advice --- the main thing I can tell you right now is it doesn't always get better, but in time the way you handle it can get easier. Hopefully, soon I will be able to help you do that.

Time Out

I've done a lot of thinking since my conversation with my mother this past Friday. Actually, I've done more than that. There's bee a lot of crying, a lot of venting and a lot of talking.

I finally came to the conclusion that I am going to have to "Let Go and Let God." In other words, I have to walk away from this situation and give both me and my mother some space. I think she hasn't taken me seriously because I've told her several times that if she continued on the path she was on --- I would be out of her life. Instead, I hung on hoping that an irrational person would suddenly become rational.

Last night, I told a friend of mine that it kind of reminded me of some of the relationships I had in high school. You know....you fall madly in love with a guy after he takes you out a couple of times. When he decides you're not the right one, however, he starts treating you bad because he knows he can. And....you take it. You take it, because you initially believe that if you do the right thing, say the right thing, act the right way --- the guy will see what a wonderful person you are.

Unfortunately, this never works and eventually you discover that he is dating the girl that has the locker right next to you (yep, that actually happened). So...you go off to lick your wounds and it hurts for a while and then one day you're suddenly okay.

Although the situation is completely different in most aspects, the staying around when someone is treating you bad is the same. I do realize she doesn't know what she is doing. BUT....continuing to let her treat me the way she has (dementia or not) allows her to keep doing it. And....I'm not strong enough to not be hurt by everything she has said and continues to say.

As someone pointed out to me last night --- her needs are being met. She is still able to feed herself, dress herself, take her medicine and even still drives. Her bills are now being paid by the paralegal. A guy comes around and does her yard work.

Her family has pushed and shoved me as far out of her life as they can, but my husband suspects that they think that I will still be there to get her to doctors appointments and do the odd things that she comes up with.

Alas, I can't do it. It hurts too much and I know I've said it before but I have resolved myself to the fact that for now --- I have to walk away.

Will this help anything in our relationship? I don't know. I do know that just as the child who is told they will be grounded and then is allowed to go to a friend's house --- she won't learn (if she can learn) as long as I continue to allow the behavior.

So --- here's where I am at. I don't plan to take her calls or call her back unless there is a true emergency. I am not sure if I will take any of her relatives call --- which will most likely start happening once they realize I meant what I said.

I will probably take some time off from this blog and then start posting about what I have learned about dementia and Alzheimer's. I will tell you about things I learned after my Dad went in and came out of the hospital and at times I will probably talk to you about my Dad.

Where this will all ultimately end remains to be seen. The hurt child in me wants my mother and her family to see the error of their ways. The adult in me realizes this is probably not going to happen. In the end, however, I do know I tried. I guess for now that will have to enough.

Just Pushed To the Side Like Old Garbage

My mother is enamored by her new paralegal.

Apparently, she is everything her daughter is not. I tried very hard not to argue with my mother today, but when she started listing the credentials of this woman --- I told her that I basically had the same training. My mother then accused me of making it up. She doesn't remember that I went to technical school when I got out of high school.

I also have over 15 years of bookkeeping running small businesses. Surely, this should make me qualified enough to run the financial affairs of my mother...

But....I guess not.

Each time I talk to her, my heart breaks just a little more. I try to remind myself that she has dementia, but it doesn't help the little girl inside who misses her Dad and desperately needs her mother.

I called and left a message for an attorney today to discuss Guardianship. I haven't heard back from him. Maybe this is a good thing. Today, I'm not so sure I want to be responsible for this woman who seems to hate me so much and accuses me of so many things.

She is mad at me for not helping her more when I was in junior high and high school. She accuses me of stealing from her and wanting money from her. How sad it is that she cannot just realize how much pain I am in right now. All she thinks of it how everything affects her.

On good days, I know something is mentally off, but today is not a good day and the tears are flowing as I write this. I wish my Dad was here to tell me "chin up" and that it will all be okay. But he's not and all I have left is an angry woman who is mad at her daughter. Yes, today is not a good day.

Say what?

My mother has bills piling up.

I normally help her pay them and then when my uncle was in town he was helping her. He left a week ago, however, and I didn't find this out until Tuesday. That night she told me that she had mail coming in that I needed to look at. She also told me that she lost her checkbook.

I replied that I would come over on Wednesday (yesterday) and help look for the checkbook and also help her catch the bills up. She was happy with that and was suppose to call me when she got back from the doctor on Wednesday afternoon.

Yesterday, however, she did call me to tell me she was back. She also told me that her credit card got declined when she tried to get gas. I asked her if she knew whether the bill was paid or not. She didn't. She said she had a whole pile of bills sitting on the floor....but....

She didn't want me to help her.....because....she doesn't trust me because....I KEEP TELLING HER THAT I AM TRYING TO HELP HER.

Huh? Say what?

First of Everything

Well, I survived the first Father's Day without my Dad.

As one friend of mine posted on Facebook after I mentioned this on my Wall --- this will be the year for "Firsts." The first Father's Day without him, the first 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas. All without my Dad.

Yes, I know he is still here watching over me. I wish I could say I have actually felt his presence, but I think I am too emotionally blocked for that right now. I do suspect, however, that in two separate occasions he has helped me out when I needed it. Things lined up just a little too perfect for the events to have happened on their own.

So...yesterday, I went to the cemetery yesterday to put flowers on his grave. They were blue and pretty --- I'm not sure what they were, but I suspect a kind of mum or from that flower family. I think he would have liked them, blue was his favorite color.

I was surprised at home many people were at the cemetery when we got there. It hadn't occurred to me that there would be tons of people coming out to see loved ones. I should have --- as The Hubby pointed out, there are mostly men buried at the National Cemetery. Among them (as one could imagine), there would be a bunch of fathers, grandfathers and even great grandfathers.

We arrived and cars were parked everywhere. There was kind of an amusing situation where people were hunting down the vases (provided by the Cemetery) to put the flowers in. The one closest to where my Dad is --- was empty, so we had to circle the cemetery stopping at all these canisters to see if we could locate one that still had the vases in it. I'm sure my Dad would have kind of got a kick out of this. It is just the kind of thing he knows happens to me. I just have that kind of life.

Anyway, I cried a bunch of tears yesterday. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad, but I am. I miss him terribly.

Fortunately, I have photos of other Father's days. Happier times where we were together and had no idea of what was to come or when it would happen. He was always optimistic about the future. Whenever I was down he would always say "Chin Up" to which I would reply "Okay, Pollyanna" (a reference to a movie in which a little girl was always upbeat despite her circumstances). I confess I didn't inherit his "look ahead to better times" philosophy, but I'm trying...

Hanging in There

I suspect my mother will be sworn in as Executor for my Dad's will today. It sounded like the attorney was going to make sure she got to the courthouse. I'm guessing he will be the one helping her (as he sucks even more money out of her bank account) since there is no way she can do everything by herself.

I'm trying to accept that the things my mother has done and said are not really "her," but I still wonder where the line is that voices her true feelings over the feelings about me that she has conjured up in her mind. I told my husband over the weekend that on some level she must have hated or disliked me for years. I can't see that much venom coming completely out of nowhere even if dementia is involved.

Anyway, I'm a little melancholy today and kind of missing her even though I know that walking away from her is for the best. I don't have the money to fight my relatives and the constant drain of energy from fighting with her all the time wasn't doing anything, but stress me out.

So....I'm hanging in there and taking one day at a time. I do plan to call her on Wednesday and see about getting some of my stuff out of her basement. I believe the relatives will move her by the end of the year and I don't want to be rushed to remove all of the stuff I accumulated from childhood. (It made the move with them to their new house, since I had nowhere here to store it)

Fortunately, the most sentimental things I have from my Dad are already here, but I have plenty of stuff in her basement that I need to sell on eBay. I feel compelled to purge myself of my past and look forward to my future. I would like to think that she will still be in it at some point, but with the events of last week....I am sort of having my doubts.

 

Just Don't Know What to Say

It has been a topsy-turvy week with a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs.

My mother's relatives basically were planning on having my mother sue me so she could be reinstated as the Executor of my Dad's will.

Back on May 9th, I attempted to help my mother by suggesting that she let me Execute Dad's will since there is no earthly way she can do it. She agreed, but later that night got into her mind that I was trying to take her money away from her.

It's a very long story, but the short version is that she called my uncle, who called another uncle, who called an aunt who called her son....who....is an attorney and he suggested that they get my mother a lawyer because they thought that I was trying to do something to her (as in steal her money).

So - they got a true scum-bag of an attorney for her and the next thing I know - they had convinced my mother to sue me. I will go more into the details of this another time - it is too painful to do it now.

In the end, I resigned and now my relatives have pretty much cut me off from being able to have a relationship with her. The kicker is, the uncle that is taking over mother's finances is a Priest. Instead of talking to me or asking me why I did what I did --- this person lied to me on three different occasions and had my mother's attorney draw up a lawsuit that not only asked for me to be removed as Executor, but also accused me of stealing and credit card fraud.

The uncle staying with my mother eventually realized that I had NOT stolen anything (my mother had simply forgotten that we placed some checks in my Dad's desk and that she did indeed know about the charges on the credit card and had actually made some of them herself), BUT he also never apologized and no one else has either.

I realize my mother has something wrong with her, such as Dementia or Alzheimer's, but I don't understand why someone didn't call me and ask me what was going on. I don't understand why they have taken over her finances and continue to act like I have done something when all I ever tried to do was help my mother.

I'm not sure where the relationship with my mother is going right now. If I can get a true diagnosis that there is something wrong, I might try to hang in there and help her. On the other hand, she has said and done things that I can't overlook. She obviously doesn't like me as a person and apparently holds things against me that I did in Junior High.

I'm heartbroken. Not only that my mother has said all these things, but also that people I knew and loved would do this to me.

Since this has happened, I'm not sure if this blog will continue or not. I still have a lot of useful information to pass on to you and I feel fairly certain that this story is not over, but there is a lot of pain here that I must deal with and I don't know how much of it I want to make "public" right now.

I know this situation is common. I know it happens everyday. When people you once looked up to do this to you, however, it's just not something that you're easily going to get over. So for now --- we will just have to wait and see.

The Defiant One

If it wasn't so painful it would almost be amusing.

I have found that whenever my mother has relatives staying with her, she becomes defiant (or perhaps cocky is the better word). She will call and make demands. She will ignore my comments or make smart comments when I say something or give advice. As an example, I mentioned she should be careful that it was too hot for her (and her brother) to be outside. Her response, "We're adults and we can do what we want."

My mother doesn't typically make these remarks when it is just me and her, but bring a few relatives or a friend into town and it's like a whole different personality erupts. A mean one and not one that I generally want to be around.

Anyway, yesterday she called and wanted to know when I was cutting the grass at her house. I told her that it would be Friday. Normally, this would be okay --- but since the brother is there, this was not okay and I got a "well, you better do it or we are going to do it ourselves..."

Since I would actually be getting OUT of the job --- this sounds like a good thing, but it would involve my uncle riding my Dad's lawn mower and I know in my heart my Dad would not like this. Last year, he hated the fact that he could no longer get outside and mow the grass himself. He didn't really want me riding around on his (almost new) John Deere lawnmower, but he let me. I just don't feel that he would appreciate my uncle doing it. And so...I guess I'm making more work for myself, but I know Dad would be nodding his approval.

An Update as to Where We Are So Far

I've been stalling on updating this blog.

I go back and forth between wanting to document every painful detail that is happening and wanting to keep things private. My Dad was a very private person and I guess I've inherited that from him. Yet, meanwhile I want to get my story out there --- both as a way to help others who might go through the same thing and also because I know it is therapuetic to 'talk' about it. I do have a personal journal, but I can't seem to make myself take a pen (or pencil) in hand and write this stuff down. Somehow it come out better when my fingers are tapping on a keyboard, over putting ink on paper.

I need to go into more details and perhaps at some point I will, but for now --- I will just let you know that my mother and I butted heads over my attempts at helping her with the finances and then she got a lawyer...and then I got a lawyer...and....well, we are sort of at a truce for the moment, but I have a lot of thinking to do.

Do I continue to help a person that trusts me so little that she hired a lawyer to check up on me?
Do I put my feelings aside and help her just because she's my mother?

I'm just not sure.

Anyway, I'm sure this sounds cryptic and I guess in a way it is, but for now, this is the best I can do.

Trying to Find Some Balance

So....I am sitting here this morning wondering how other people balance everything in their lives.

I was already drowning in a sea of disorganization and chaos before my Dad passed. Now, I not only have the job of looking after my mother, but am trying to stay on top of all the paperwork as well.

I have neat (at the moment anyway) little piles of paperwork stacked on the kitchen table and buffet that are things I either am following up on, or need to follow up on. I have a tote box that is filled with paperwork to be sorted and a notebook of stuff that needs to be put on the computer.

Meanwhile, I am trying to restart my eBay business and I am still trying to fit some writing jobs into the mix. It's still chaos, I'm still disorganized and --- at the moment --- I'm way overwhelmed.

Anyway, if you are going through the same thing, I am told that it is normal. If you asked me how to handle all of it, however, at this point in time I would have to tell you that I simply don't know. All I know is that not only do you get to deal with the grieving process of losing a loved one, but life keeps going on and somehow you have to take ahold of something and just try to keep going right along with it.

Back to the daily routine

The relatives are gone. I took them to the airport yesterday and put them on a plane.

As a follow-up to my story about my uncle. He apologized. I think he was sincere in the apology, but I still don't trust him. I want everything to be running smoothly when he returns.

Meanwhile, there is an attempt today to get things back into a more normal daily routine. I checked on my mother around 11:30 this morning and will go over to her house to mow the grass this afternoon. My hope is to find a balance between what she needs for me to do and my own life --- which at the moment seems to be ruled by chaos, but I'm working on it.

For now, I guess that is the best we can do.

I Found Your Nose - It Was In My Business

First, I apologize for neglecting this blog. I've had quite a few things going on lately and a wicked sinus infection that caused some vertigo, so my plans for writing here regularly got a bit off track.

There is quite a bit to update you on, but today I am going to tell you about the one thing you might need to expect when your mother or father has siblings.

They WILL get into your business and they WILL think they know more than you.

Case in point:

On Friday, I got into a discussion argument with my uncle. He said some very ugly things to me about how I was taking advantage of my mother and made threats about how he was going to do this and he was going to do that. He admitted he doesn't KNOW her financial situation, but it didn't stop him from having an opinion on it.

The sticking point was (and is) that my parents still own their old house, but moved a few years ago to a new one. My Dad indicated that he wanted me to have the old house, but he passed before we could work on the arrangements on it. I believe that Dad set it up where the house could become mine, but until I research things a bit more, I honestly don't know for certain.

My uncle threatened to come back in a month and a half and put the house up for sale. I haven't had a chance to openly talk to my mother about this, so I don't know what she thinks about his actions, but I can say his words to me both hurt me and made me furious at the same time. He has no clue as to whether my mother has a dollar in the bank or $1,000,000. While I could have told him --- it really isn't any of his business.

Although I have no intention of telling him or even with dealing with him EVER AGAIN - I did realize last night that it is imperative that my mother knows and understands her finances. She kept her head stuck in the sand while my Dad handled everything and she really isn't aware of what she has or how much there is.

Anyway, my advice to you for today would be --- have a clear understanding with your parents about how the money situation is to be handled. My husband had a similar problem with his father and all of his relatives got into the middle of their business as well. Money causes people to become really ugly sometimes and when the ugliness is coming from a family member, it just makes dealing with all the upheaval in your life that you're already dealing with, oh, so much worse.

Before and After - A Month Ago Today

All day yesterday (the 12th) I kept thinking about how a month ago my Dad was alive and I was uneasy about taking him to the emergency room. I would note the time and think "we were doing this at this time last month" or "I guess this was happening right about then."

I keep wishing I could go back and do that day differently. Did an 8 hour wait in the emergency room stress my Dad into the point of having a heart attack? Was he having symptoms that day that I overlooked or he didn't tell me about? Should I have done something different and what would it have been?

Regardless of the answers to these questions - all I know is that around 11 p.m. I hugged my Dad goodnight and told him I would talk to him the next day. Somewhere in between then and when my mother found him the next morning - Dad passed and my life will never be the same again.

...And So the Weeks Go On

It's hard to believe Dad passed away a month ago this Friday.

The week it happened, time stood still. The days slowed and each one was more painful than the next. There were plans to be made, people to be notified, and relatives flying in. Strangely, each day seemed to have more hours in it than just the normal 24. The nights were rough and extra long with little or no sleep.

The days since have moved quickly. I was surprised to realize we were already approaching that one month anniversary. How is that even possible?

I don't think things will ever be "normal" again, but life is going on and we are moving in a forward direction. However, there is a part of me that keeps wishing for a way to time travel. I yearn for a way to return to a day when my life was happy and things seemed more carefree.

Meanwhile, my mother is settling down some. I'm not sure how long this will last. She remains confused about some things and her words to me have damaged our relationship, but she needs me and I suppose deep down I accept that I probably need her too.

Where we are going from here --- I have no clue. There is still a lot of stuff to be done and as Easter came and went, I realized that there will be a first "Father's Day Without Dad," a first "4th of July Without Dad," and so on....

For now....it's just one day at a time and muddling through each one as it comes.

Paranoia - or When Someone Really IS Out to Get You

I'm not sure what's up with my mother, but we are going another round of "you're trying to take all my money." She has said this to me about four or five times now since Dad passed.

The kicker is - it appears the guy that has been helping my parents with yard work, painting and such....really IS out to get them. Financially ---- anyways.

I've found out that in the last two or three weeks, he has charged her $40 for some woodwork (that probably took him 30 minutes and was a real shoddy job) and $60 for mowing the yard (which is about $20 too much for the amount of yard there is).

Now...she's mad at ME for not telling her not to let him do it.

Today, I am suppose to go over and get her car and get an oil change done. I feel like I am getting ready to do battle with her - and I don't like it.

Thankfully, she has a doctor appointment in about a week. I'm going to discuss the paranoia with him and see what we need to do. :(

Cutting the Red Tape: Form 29-4125

Once someone is declared dead, an interesting thing starts to happen. Mail arrives asking for confirmation that the person has actually passed. This leads you to believe that somewhere, someone has actually received one of these letters and is still alive.

I'm sure that would seem like some big cosmic joke to the living recipient of one of these letters, but as the surviving child or spouse --- it is sort of a kick in the teeth. Another reminder that your loved one is gone.

If your loved one was a military veteran and had a VA Group Insurance Policy, you will probably get one of these types of letters a week or so after the funeral. Apparently, once the Social Security Administration gets the news, the automatic paperwork starts-a-coming.

The letter from the VA (Veterans Administration) will ask for confirmation of the death in writing, or give you a phone number to get further information about how to file the claim. Plan this call when you have plenty of time to hold on the line because (trust me) you will need it.

The process is fairly straight-forward. They will mail you a form or you can go online and print it out from your computer. The form you will need is called 29-4125 - Claim for Sum Payment.

If you're reading this - you can simply click on my link and go straight to the form. I've saved you some time and a headache. For me, however, it took about 30 minutes to locate this form because my "Helpful Service Representative" - gave me this number as 29-41-25. Not once, but twice. While this might make for an interesting Lotto Pick for Cash 3, it will NOT bring up the correct PDF form on a Google search. And...yes...she actually told me to go to Google and type in the number. There is no easy-to-find website address to simply get you there!

I also kept hearing "Claim for Some Payment," which almost played out like a "Who's on First?" moment until I realized she was saying "Sum."

Once you have this form (and as I said - they will also mail it to you if you prefer) - you fill it out and send it along with a copy of the death certificate. You can FAX it or send it by snail mail. Thankfully, the form is one page and simple to fill out.

We're at the "sending back" step now - so...I'll let you know what happens next.

Dealing with Burnout

A couple of weeks before my Dad passed I realized I was suffering from burnout. Just as a mother becomes stressed out with her children, I was burning out from taking care of my parents.

At the time, it was mostly (and continues to be) my mother that was driving me crazy. Mom would call on a daily basis wanting me to pick up this, or bring her that. She had endless lists of things that she needed for me to get her (right now!) so she could take care of my Dad.

Then there were the weekly doctor appointments and the juggling of schedules so my husband could help me get my Dad down the stairs and into the car. At times I felt like I could probably have handled the situation alone, but if the hubby didn't come - then my mother did. Her nervous and anxious rambling on the long trips to the doctors office made me feel like I was closing in on a psychotic break.

I missed the quieter times of taking my Dad to the doctor by myself. It was only then that we could talk. Really talk. He would tell me things about jobs he had taken while in high school (before the military), places he had lived, and at times (if I was lucky) a little bit about his military experience.

Once he was in and out of the hospital, however, all that changed. It virtually took a "village" to keep things running smoothly. He had Home Care workers on a daily basis (except for weekends). There were calls to doctors and coordinating with builders for a wheelchair ramp to be built.

It all bucked along somewhat chaotically, but a couple of weeks before his death - I was really feeling like my life was going out of control. Dad was frustrated that he wasn't making more progress (the swelling in his legs prevented him from walking without assistance), mother was overly tired and becoming more confused and my aunt (who had promised to come if she was needed) had basically retracted on her promise and wouldn't be coming (and didn't) unless there was an actual emergency.

Where I am going with all of this - is that - I realized late last night that the burnout is back. I spent an almost sleepless night going over a long, daunting "to-do" list that has no end in sight. I realize this is normal. I just don't know what to do about it. My "plan" last time had been to take advantage of a week where Dad had no doctor visits scheduled and take some "down-time." Ironically, the Universe had other plans because that was the week that he died.

Anyway, where I'm going with this is that I think the first step in dealing with burnout is realizing it is there. The tension in the neck and upper back, lack of sleep, irritability....it's not just a "bad day" if the bad days keep happening.

I confess that I don't have an answer as to what to do, other than take it a day at a time and try to be kind to yourself. Realize that if you don't take care of yourself - you can't take care of anyone else. Now....if I can just remember this.....

Alert the media - my mother is on the road!

For the past couple of weeks my mother and I have been going
round and round about her driving. Or rather....her ability to drive or if she needs to be driving.

In truth, she hasn't driven by herself more than about three or four times in five years and probably hasn't driven more than 10 times total in the past three years.

My Dad kind of put a halt to her driving after she had two incidents in about two weeks. The first time, she put the car into drive instead of reverse and went over one of those cement things that keep drivers from hitting buildings (luckily, she didn't hit the building).

The second time, she got too close to a railroad crossing and the wooden arm came down right on top of the hood.

Dad didn't let her drive very much after that and NEVER by herself.

A few days after he died, however, she asked for the car keys (I had his set) and said that she wanted them. A discussion ensued and she very defiantly told me that she would be driving and no one was going to stop her.

My aunt is staying with her at the moment. I was able to end this discussion by convincing my mother to let my aunt drive instead. So, my aunt has been driving and my mother has been giving her direction. The plan being....that we could see how much my mother remembered about where everything once. So far...they have only gotten lost once...but...it was on the way to church...which is a place she claims that she knows the way to by heart.

Anyway, yesterday, at the VA service center, the man that was helping us asked my mother if she drove. My mother, never one to make a story short, then went into this long explanation that she COULD drive and she was GOING to drive, but hadn't been because her husband wouldn't let her.

The poor man, of course, was just asking this question because as a widow of a veteran, she can get a free drivers license the next time she needs to renew it.

This led to another discussion (once outside and out of earshot) about her driving. I finally told her that we would ask her doctor about her driving at the her next appointment.

This gives me....about two more weeks.... :-O

Navigating the Paper Trail

The first thing you discover when someone has passed away...is that there is a lot of paperwork.

Although it is possible that the remaining spouse may be able to wade through it without any help, in other cases (as I am finding out) you may find that you have to navigate the trail with them, or even do it for them.

On Tuesday of last week, my mother was in the phase of wanting to do it all herself. I was "rushing things" and doing things in a way she didn't understand. Since I KNEW she wasn't going to be able to handle everything, I was actually merely moving things along for her, since I had some vague idea of what the steps should be. Finally, I realized that she wanted to be a part of the process even though it was apparent that she had no clue what the process involved or what steps it would take.

So....the advice for today is....slow down. Give the person you are trying to help time to read over all those brochures, forms, and paperwork that may be arriving in the mail (or given to your family by the helpful people at the funeral home or courthouse). Even if your parent doesn't understand it, they still need to feel like they have some control over what is happening and are part of the process.

I'm a "take charge" and "get it done" person, so this has been hard for me to do, but it appears to be necessary.

For instance...I decided to postpone going through all my Dad's paperwork and just deal with the things that have to be done now or rather...sooner than later.

This includes:

• Probate the will



• Fill out the paperwork for Social Security



• Help mother apply for VA benefits



• Help mother change over Retirement to Spousal Benefits

There is so much more to do, of course, but for now I'm simply putting on my hiking gear and using this as our starting point. If all goes well on this journey....I'll report in with our progress as we hit these paper trailheads throughout the week!

Welcome to My Blog and Why I Created It

My Dad's funeral was a week ago today. It still seems surreal. I keep thinking that I should be able to pick up the phone and call him. We talked at least once a day and some days more than that.

I go through periods of crying, second guessing the events of his last day, and wondering what to do next.

I finally decided I would create a blog to not only help me work through the grief, but also to share my story going forward as I am now the sole caregiver for my mother. An interesting position to be in, as our relationship has been tepid at best and just two days ago she was accusing me of trying to steal from her (more on that story another time).

Anyway, as I head onward into the great unknown of my future - I thought it might be helpful for me to share the experience not only as an outlet for my grief, but also as a way to help others navigate the same trail of Survivor Benefits, Home Care workers and other day-to-day matters concerning the care of an aging parent.

So...if you're paddling the same waters and you've arrived here. Welcome to my blog!