First of Everything

Well, I survived the first Father's Day without my Dad.

As one friend of mine posted on Facebook after I mentioned this on my Wall --- this will be the year for "Firsts." The first Father's Day without him, the first 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas. All without my Dad.

Yes, I know he is still here watching over me. I wish I could say I have actually felt his presence, but I think I am too emotionally blocked for that right now. I do suspect, however, that in two separate occasions he has helped me out when I needed it. Things lined up just a little too perfect for the events to have happened on their own.

So...yesterday, I went to the cemetery yesterday to put flowers on his grave. They were blue and pretty --- I'm not sure what they were, but I suspect a kind of mum or from that flower family. I think he would have liked them, blue was his favorite color.

I was surprised at home many people were at the cemetery when we got there. It hadn't occurred to me that there would be tons of people coming out to see loved ones. I should have --- as The Hubby pointed out, there are mostly men buried at the National Cemetery. Among them (as one could imagine), there would be a bunch of fathers, grandfathers and even great grandfathers.

We arrived and cars were parked everywhere. There was kind of an amusing situation where people were hunting down the vases (provided by the Cemetery) to put the flowers in. The one closest to where my Dad is --- was empty, so we had to circle the cemetery stopping at all these canisters to see if we could locate one that still had the vases in it. I'm sure my Dad would have kind of got a kick out of this. It is just the kind of thing he knows happens to me. I just have that kind of life.

Anyway, I cried a bunch of tears yesterday. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad, but I am. I miss him terribly.

Fortunately, I have photos of other Father's days. Happier times where we were together and had no idea of what was to come or when it would happen. He was always optimistic about the future. Whenever I was down he would always say "Chin Up" to which I would reply "Okay, Pollyanna" (a reference to a movie in which a little girl was always upbeat despite her circumstances). I confess I didn't inherit his "look ahead to better times" philosophy, but I'm trying...